OVERVIEW OF THE PAST 4 YEARS OF MY LIFE

Lets see, a lot has happened since I was blogging on a regular basis.  I finally got real and honest with myself about my life and marriage and how I was faking my way thru it all.

I had been unhappy in my marriage to Shawn from the very beginning, in fact even before we got married.  Fact is, had I not gotten pregnant (in 5 weeks) with Dawson, I would have never married Shawn.  For 12 years I was married to a man who was immature, selfish, lazy, extremely disrespectful to women and a drug addict.  I spent years pretending to be happy because I wanted to be and I wanted to keep my family together for Dawson’s sake.  I didn’t want him to have to go thru what my oldest went thru.  This is what kept me going, in an unhappy marriage. 

But one day I realized that living in such dysfunction and misery was just as bad for Dawson if not worse than having his parents divorce.  I saw how my unhappy marriage was affecting him and that’s when I said ok, that’s enough.  We have got to get real and honest about what’s really going on here and either try to fix it or call it quits. 

So, I was honest with Shawn and told him how miserable and unhappy I was and that we either needed to fix things or I was done.  I truly wanted to be able to fix things, work thru it all and heal in our marriage so we could stay together for the kids and be happy with each other.  It just didn’t work out that way.  Little did I realize that I had so much resentment and anger built up toward Shawn that every ounce of love that I ever had for him was gone.  I tried to get it back; I stayed with him for 6 months to see if we could make things work.  Shawn made a few changes that were good but the core of who he was, never changed and THAT is what needed to change in order for my love for him to return.   Shawn did and didn’t do a lot of things that contributed to our bad marriage and to my resentment but that’s not what destroyed us.  What destroyed us was who he was inside, not just his actions.  I realized that I did not like this person at all.  Who he was inside, was something that would never change, therefore, I knew I had to end the marriage.   As hard as it was, I knew that my life as well as Shawn’s and Dawson’s was about to change. 

So, I ended up moving out of the house, and in with my friend Janie for a few months until later when I ended up in a relationship with Steve and moved in with him.  Once I moved out, I knew my life would be in total chaos for a while and boy it sure was!  I won’t go into all the gory details but I was getting harassed by someone thru text for months and months who would not identify themselves, someone slashed my tires, I was constantly fighting thru text with Shawn and then 4 weeks after I left the house, he moved a girl into the home which caused a huge problem due to her total disrespect for our delicate situation with Dawson and just a ton of crap and drama went on for at least a year.

 It was sooo stressful for me that I ended up getting fired from my job.  I was sooo distracted fighting with Shawn back n forth thru text, and with the anonymous harasser as well that I was making very careless and dangerous mistakes at my job and I was let go.  So, then more stress was added, I lost my income and at the same time, my oldest son moves in with us in our 2 bedroom apartment.  While I love having my kids with me, there was just no room for Cameron and living in such close cramped quarters for 18 months on top of all the divorce stress and being unemployed for 1 year just threw me into a state of depression.  I ended up gaining 60 pounds and I was always the skinny underweight girl that everyone hated.  It was really strange for me. 

The one thing through all of this stress that I was completely sure about and that was a constant support for me was my relationship with Steve.  He was the one thing that remained stable and in place while my life was in total chaos.  I knew that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and who I needed as well as who my kids needed.  I cannot tell you how much of a Blessing this man has been to me and my boys.  He’s just amazing and that’s a whole other post! Ha  So, in the midst of being unemployed, my divorce to Shawn became final and then 3 months later on Ocotber 8, 2011 I married my best friend and soulmate.  Three months after that, I got a job and so far ever since January of 2012 my life has been back on track and I am happier now than I have ever been. 

So, there ya have it, you are all caught up on my life since I have been gone from the blog world.  I am so happy to be back and now that things are finally normal again, it was the perfect time to get back to blogging.  I plan to stick to it too.  I am very excited about it!  And if any of you have any questions about any of this stuff, feel free to ask, I didn’t post all details because its soooo much to type. But this is it for now girlies, love to you all!  Later Gators J